I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
