We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
