Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
