watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
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I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Bring me that man meat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All the doctor said was why
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize