You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
