Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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