In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
