Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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