fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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