hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's get the cat blown out
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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