i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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