i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
