I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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