Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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