You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
