there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
