just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
