mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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