Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
