The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
