Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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