You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
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My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pants are for mortals
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch