In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
