Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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