I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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