That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
