batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
