Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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