..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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