No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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