just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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