there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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