she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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