I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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