if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
