We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Panties = found
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
