Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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