I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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