I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
