I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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