My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
