If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
