i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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