I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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