Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
