guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
