I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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