I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this just has baby written all over it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
