Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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