Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
