im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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