i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
