I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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