i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
