he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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