I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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