I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
