I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
