You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
